My fifth...

I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate everything. I'm not saying I have nothing. I'm not saying I'm gone completely. It's just sometimes it's all a bit too much to handle. Sometimes I feel like it's too much. I'm not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better, it has to right? Otherwise there wouldn't be anyone who would live past their(oh i'm lost) years. But for now, just for now, it hurts. Words hurt more than anything else can, because they last, sometimes forever.
I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more. Because of you!
The only thing I can think to myself is...how can I seem so....perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay? Every morning you get up and put on a fake smile...but what if one morning you didn't? Would anyone notice? Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile...
I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.

Why can't you just love me for who I am?
I've learned it takes years to build up trust, but only seconds to destroy it.
Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault.
Cause fucking up takes practice, and I feel I'm well rehearsed.
I don't deserve you...I never did.
Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand.
You don't understand me and you never will. So don't start that shit 'bout knowin' how I feel. My life is full of empty promises and broken dreams. I'm hoping things will look up, and right when they do, there's always something to fuck it up, and we're back at square one.
Do you know what it's like to be me? Go through something not everyone can see? Do you know what it's like to walk in my shoes? Please stop judging me simply cause I'm not you...think I'd do better on my own, no friends, no fights,just me...alone
I fuckin hate this life..

It's so hard to show everyone that I'm doing fine without you when deep inside I'm not. It's hard because I have to smile when I really can't hold back my tears...cause as far as I can see, you're doing fine without me... You know what I just realized? I'm in love with you, yes, but I'm in love with the you I used to know...you've changed too much. All I can do is hope for the real you to come back...and then maybe then, being in love won't be so bad.
There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but I can't. I'm not sure if you would ever understand because I don't understand half of it. I want to be with you so bad, but I'm so afraid of getting hurt and because of that, I end up getting hurt more. I can sit here and say that I don't care about you and that I'm not going to let you hurt me, and just by saying that I know that you can and have. It's not your fault, it never is. It's me.
I'm tired of being nice to people who don't give a shit about me.
SO FUCK YOU ALL!!